The Mugshot Files: Harvard Edition

It's been a while since I've seen a mugshot that makes me LLOL (literally laugh out loud, for those of you who haven't heard that yet).

The Oakland Raiders should be proud of their defensive tackle, Desmond Bryant, and his ability to cheer up a crowd. Of course, only after drinking far too much and stumbling into his neighbor's house to be an asshole.

I guess that Harvard education taught him that if he can't make the headlines by being in the Super Bowl, just go viral on the internet. All you need to do is get uber drunk and take a miserable, shirtless selfie. And then send a thank you note to Mark Zuckerberg.

(image courtesy of Yardbarker.com)

Let's talk about football.

With the close of the NFL season comes a good party, tons of calories, and another week closer to baseball season.

I will be honest in saying that I paid much more attention to football this year than last. Although the Jets struggled to barely make it through their regular season games, I found some fun in post-season football without them. With New York out of the running, I paired up with some of my Seattle mates to watch the Seahawks. The games were neck and neck. Full on nail biters. Right until the heartbreaking end.

From there, I had to turn south. To San Francisco. The 49ers fought their way through some tough teams. First, they tore through Green Bay. For me, it was like watching my first live football game all over again (see post in years past regarding my first game, many, many moons ago). Only this time, they took the win. I still think there was a lot of luck involved.

Next, they took on the Atlanta Falcons. Watching the first quarter of this game was pretty abysmal. From the way they were playing, there was no way they were going to make it past these birds. Somehow, they managed to recover, and the game remained tight until the last couple of minutes. I wasn't even sure they had the win at the 2:00 warning.

But they did.

And then I got to thinking. How much of this is rigged? How badly did the NFL want to see the Harbaugh brothers battle it out against each other? What a great marketing tool! What a great story for the books! I'm sure their parents are so proud! Which one will root for which team?

I'll be honest, I think the Ravens fought the good fight to earn their place in Super Bowl XLVII. But I really thought the game was going to be bird on bird. A fight for the south and the east. As much as the 49ers played hard, they made critical mistakes that were magically erased by many strokes of good luck in the divisional and conference games.

That being said, I'm turning my back on my third-string team and rooting for the Baltimore Ravens next Sunday. I look good in purple anyway.

So, let's play ball...and figure out the menu....may the best team win.

Back on the field.

I've had nothing to say for a while.

Mainly because I can't write when I don't feel. Quite frankly, sports have not made me feel anything for a while. Perhaps I can blame it on the lackluster ability of team owners and managers to assemble any sort of quartet worth paying attention to. Maybe I could even blame it on outside sources that have distracted me so from my passions. Sources that distract me from my loves and my creativity.

Whatever.

I watched a ton of football today (and drank a lot of alcohol). I went to a sports bar full of douchey guys and slutty girls pretending to like football. It was awesome. There's an energy and an outcry of love towards a bunch of overweight guys in tight pants that no one in the room has ever met before. There's this connection toward them that ignites some feeling so deep that their failure translates into one's own. Yeah, totally irrational.

But we still do it.

And I'm glad that I did. Because it's been a while since I surrounded myself amongst those people that relate themselves to these massive creatures of the midwest. It's been a while since I have been reminded of how much we need to channel the players on the field and give so many of us to live for. Maybe because we work a mediocre job or have a shitty marriage. Maybe because we never exhausted our dreams into any thread of reality. Maybe because Sundays outside of church give us something else to live for.

Football is an American sport. And we live that American dream through those monsters on the field. No matter how or why.

I love sports, and I'm sorry I've neglected sharing how much I love sports with you guys for so long. Whether I'm making jokes on a player or spewing my opinion on a game, I feel the need to spread my good word. Even if my language is bad.

I love sports. I love you. And I'm back.

Call this my belated new years resolution. Hi, 2013. Hike.

The Steelers know how to party!

(photo courtesy of NYdailynews.com)

So, it's super bowl week and your team just landed in Dallas in preparation for the big game. Training is probably a good idea. Followed by some good rest. Maybe even a quick break to call your wife. 

NAHHHHHHHHHH....

According to Dallas news reporter Gromer Jeffers Jr. (who was also obviously at the strip club), Pittsburgh Steelers players Hinds Ward, Ike Taylor, and some other black and yellow sporting comrades spent their first night in town at a gentleman's club on Northwest Highway in Dallas (I don't really know Dallas, so if you know where they might have been, I would like that piece of knowledge). 

The players spent most of their evening in the VIP, but then moved to the front row for some shows before hopping on the stage themselves! They undress in a room full of men several times a week, so this comes at little surprise to me. Witnesses in the club report that the players were having a killer time and drinking Moet straight from the bottle. 

Holler!

It's going to be awfully difficult to play professional football in front 106 million viewers with a hangover. I'm okay with that.

Antonio Cromartie is a s*%! talking mother f@&%$#r!

(image courtesy of FTRsports.com)

The Jets sure know how to stir up a shit storm, don't they? We've got Braylon Edwards driving around twice as drunk as he's legally entitled. Rex Ryan is off in a corner sucking on innocent women's toes. And Antonio Cromartie is just running his mouth all over the place.

First of all, you guys make a ton of money. Why are you driving around drunk? It's not like you can't afford a cab ride home. Dumbass.

Rex, oh Rex. To each their own.

New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie has had some choice words on his opponents and some union officials over the past couple of weeks. After publicly titling New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady 'an asshole,' amongst other things, he is back at it. This time firing at the heads of NFL and 

the labor union that is supposed to protect the players.

Apparently they need to 'get their damn minds' and 'their shit together.'

Granted, the interviewer did start inquiring about Cromartie's opinion on the labor talks immediately following their embarassing loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday. I think it is safe to say that one wouldn't necessarily convey the right emotion while slamming locker doors during an interview.

While I know Rex Ryan couldn't care less about Cromartie's word vomit problem, we'll see what the league has to say about his commentary.

Super Bowl XLV

So, The Jets choked once again. They just really couldn't pull it together at all. I could have walked away from the game entirely after realizing that the Steelers had possession of the ball for the first nine or ten minutes of the game. By halftime the game was pretty much over. The Jets tried to rally in the second half, but couldn't cut the mustard, ending the game at a 24-19 loss.

I think Rex Ryan just put a foot in his mouth somewhere.

With that, I am no longer truly excited about either team winning the game, but I am truly excited about coming up with my Super Bowl party menu! What is a Super Bowl without gorging yourself with some of the most unhealthy goodies and lots and lots of beer?

Here's what my household has to look forward to:

• Chicken wings with Frank's hot sauce. It really is the best. I learned that from dad.
• Chipotle pot roast enchiladas. Complete with home made enchilada sauce.
• Black beans.
• Beef franks in blankets. Because pork has been recently outlawed in my social circle.
• Blueberry dump cake. If you really want to know, just ask. It's to die for, and takes 15 minutes to make. Even my brother could make this cake.
• Beer. American micro brews to be exact.
• Mimosas. Because champagne makes for good day time drinking.
• Hummus and veggies. Because you have to have something redeeming on the table.

Good luck to the teams that prevailed in today's games, and I will see you on the couch! Don't forget the wet naps.

OH YEAHHHH.

Denver Broncos running back Laurence Maroney was arrested last night on drug and weapon allegations. While his publicist did confirm that he was one of five people arrested after being pulled over outside of St. Louis, she insists that he did nothing wrong. Then she admitted that he was in posession of a firearm. I'm not sure what the gun laws are in Missouri, but when five people are arrested on gun charges, and one of them is your client, he did something wrong. Just sayin'.

A police spokeswoman later confirmed that all five passengers in the vehicle were in posession of marijuna and were all taken into custody. There was also a .45 handgun, 9 mm pistol and .223 calibur rifle found in the vehicle. Holy shit, they must have been on their way back from a hunting trip!

Maroney might be joining a decent list of criminals the Broncos have been harboring lately.

And he is really wearing a blinged out Kool-Aid man around his neck. Oh yeah.

Back on the field.

Holy shit, where have I been? Really?

It has been quite some time, and the time has brought upon some great changes in my life. Now that those things are settling themselves into some sort of regular order, I plan on reconnecting with you out there. Yeah, you. The one reading this right now. I've missed you.

So, while I haven't been sharing my point of view on the wild world of sports, I certainly still have one.

Let's start with football. My Jets are back in the playoffs, and really looking like properly assembled squad. Taking out the Patriots was a huge feat, but in the end it was all about who could get their tight pants in order and complete the task. Tom Brady just couldn't hold it together. Not that it really matters. He's still married to a super model and making $50M a year. Holler.

Spring training starts in a few short weeks, so I will surely be making my trek out to Camelback Ranch for some hot sun, cold beer, and hot guys in baseball gear. Screw Christmas, my holidays are coming up this spring.

Bills RT retiring at 26?!

Buffalo Bills RT Brad Butler shocked his team, and lots of other people, by announcing his retirement after 4 years in the NFL at the ripe old age of 26. Yes, that is correct. 26 years old.

Those paychecks must have been nice.

Butler says he is turning his focus toward "education, country and community." That means politics and public service. No comment.

A surprising Super Bowl finish.

I've spent most of the day thinking about my obligatory post-Super Bowl update, and I'm still drawing a blank. Sure, I was rooting for the Saints. I think most of us were rooting for the underdog while secretly thinking we were going to watch Peyton Manning unleash pure annihilation on Drew Brees and his crew.

As the Saints were unable to convert a mere yard (two at most) into a touchdown twice in a row, I relinquished all hope for their win. Yeah, the scores weren't far off from one another, but the game seemed to be falling apart for New Orleans. The Indianapolis Colts are 11-1 when leading in the first half. Those are pretty outstanding numbers.

I watched The Who perform their old man half time show of songs most of us kind of know, but don't own any of the records to, while some guy next to me at the bar tried to justify their appearance at the big game. First of all, he compared them to the Rolling Stones. Um...no? Second, the Super Bowl is probably the most American thing ever. Why did the NFL get a British band to play? Daughtry would have been more appropriate. Third, they're old, and I thought it sucked. I think I'd rather watch Katy Perry lip synching while dressed as a banana. Seriously.

Major props to the Miller Lite crew who came in and gave us some cool football swag and free beers at the bar. Their personal thanks for being a Miller Lite drinker. Well, I would like to thank Nick's on Russian Hill in SF for having us, and also having $2 Miller Lites. The food is good, but you have to watch out for the bartenders who look a little worse for wear. You should really get some sleep before you go sling drinks all night. I know this from experience. And you look like shit. I don't want some hungover chick with greasy hair and bad makeup touching anything that comes near my mouth.

Okay, half time is over. Back to the game. Manning's hardware gliches, and New Orleans cornerback Tracy Porter takes the ball on a 74 yard field trip that changes everything. Suddenly the Saints are ahead, and the Colts just can't get it back together. Another turnover, and I sat there in total awe of what was happening. Manning looked to be scrambling with about three minutes left in the game. The reality was sinking in.

My friend's dad said it best. "I think Manning just shit his pants."

A great game, and proof that your whole life can change in the blink of an eye. Congratulations, New Orleans. That trophy was certainly well deserved this year.

Talk about a big OOPS!

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan was apparently caught on someone's cell phone camera flipping off an MMA contender at a match in Florida last weekend. The photos hit the internet in no time, but I have yet to see one. I'm sure legal teams are involved. The Jets have already fined Ryan $50,000 for his "obscene gesture," and the NFL has decided that they will not impose any further fines for his behavior.

I wonder what caused the bird to fly because I don't throw those things around for no reason. Some Dolphins fans in the house?

All of these rules of conduct really make me wonder. No guns, no Twitter, no flipping people off. What will these men do if they can't get drunk and shoot themselves?

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So much for a sunny Super Bowl Sunday

It looks like the NFL has failed an attempt at giving the Indianapolis Colts a dry day to try and defeat the New Orleans Saints for the championship title this weekend. Southern Florida hasn't seen much sunshine in the past few days, and it doesn't look like the weather is going to let up any by the weekend.

It could just be the Indiana curse. Okay, I made that up, but have you ever been to Indiana?

Anyway, Miami isn't much of a picnic either, but I'm sure anything is an upgrade.

So, while NFL media officials scramble to have their backup plans stationed and ready to roll out, I'm just wondering how terrible the infamous Super Bowl commercials are going to be this year. With some usual big spenders cutting advertising budgets of at least 25%, and others completely off the market, that leaves a lot to imagination. With the way our national intellect seems to be dropping, I'm not expecting anything spectacular to be going down between plays this year.

If you tuned into the Grammys last night, you might understand what I mean.

I'm sure you're watching anyway though, right? I am...and I'm also secretly wishing they would have Taylor Swift playing half time instead of The Who. Just kidding...kind of.

Steven Jackson...one sick puppy.

St. Louis Rams running back Steven Jackson has been accused of beating his 9-month pregnant girlfriend, Supriya (say that five times fast) Harris, so badly that she was "bleeding heavily!" Jackson reportedly beat her, threw her on the ground, and against a door repeatedly until his own nephew came and broke it up.

Their son was born 10 days later. Being a smart lady, she left. The two are currently in major battle in court over child support. Shocker.

That just grosses me out.

Some not so shocking news.

I grew up around sports. A lot of baseball, but sports.

When I was in middle school, I realized how much I liked sports. This had nothing to do with the fact that I was a cheerleader. I'm still not sure how that part of my life came to be. Actually, I didn't just like sports. I loved sports. I loved sports so much that I stole the sports page from my parents' papers and cut out all of the numbers and stats I was interested in to tape them into these little notebooks. I think my mom still has these little notebooks somewhere in her garage. I should resurrect them sometime.

Anyway, this love for sports developed on Sundays, soon adding Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Soon enough, there was something I wanted to watch every day. The notebooks were filling up, and I had officially tapped myself to be a sports aficionado. I think I was 12.

One of my best friend's dad knew about my passion for sports. At that time it was mainly football. Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers to be exact. He came home one evening with tickets to the 98-99 NFC wildcard game. The Green Bay Packers against the San Francisco 49ers. Suited up in our puffy NFL team jackets and jerseys, we headed to the San Francisco bay on a cold January day to watch a live football game.

I jammed my finger playing catch during our tailgate party, but I was so excited that I didn't tell anyone until after the game. I didn't want anyone to drag me off to a doctor or anything. I wore a brace on my finger for two weeks after that day.

The Packers lost that game, and I came home with a swollen and bruised middle finger, but that was one of the best days of my life.

I watched Favre evolve over the years, retire, change teams, retire, change teams and now...probably retire again. For real this time.

After a heartbreaking loss to the New Orleans Saints yesterday, Brett Favre says he is heading home for a few days to think it over, but a return to the NFL is unlikely. As unsurprising as those words are to me, they are a little sad this time because I think they are true.

But I wonder if he will still do commercials? I really like those Sears commercials he's been in lately. Seriously. Not even kidding.

Sick day, part un.

The one benefit of being home sick is the ability to indulge in endless amounts of recreational reading. Assuming you are up for anything other than sleeping or watching made for TV movies. I slept for most of the day, but I have finally had enough Emergen-C to do something other than zone out while looking at an LCD screen.

The brain is back on, and I have officially graduated to sitting up in bed with a laptop trying to pilfer through articles and emails in an attempt to give you something entertaining to read.

The New York Jets played a pretty decent hand this season. Aside from the occasional floundering rookie stuff, it's the best they have looked in years. Even though I went into yesterday's game believing they would not pass the Colts, I was slightly disappointed when they blew it in the second half. Oh well. Another Super Bowl that I will watch as indifferently as any other.

Congratulations to the badass Peyton Manning and his Colts, and to the New Orleans Saints as they make their first ever Super Bowl appearance. Although they only made it that far because Favre turned the ball over five too many times, and the refs blatantly made some questionable calls. But who am I to judge? All I do is get opinionated, and share it with strangers on the internet.

Jets, Jets, Jets!

So, the New York Jets didn't completely bomb this year. After all, we are getting post season play. With our heavy duty tackler, David Harris, on the field against Cincinnati's rookie runners, this could be another game in the bag. I love it.

I would delve further into this topic of the conversation, but the game is starting.

Go Jets!

Favre fined, too!

New Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre has been fined $10,000 by the NFL for some sort of dirty thing he did to Houston defensive back Eugene Wilson a couple of weeks ago. Ease up, it was just for play! Okay, that doesn't sound right either. Old man Favre was playing with sore ribs and went down on Wilson at the legs for something they're calling a "crack back" move. I really can't win here, perverts!

Wilson wasn't impressed by the experienced quarterback's move. "What was that? Seriously, what was that?" Wilson had to say about the block after the game.

Favre's reply, "I will be 40 years old in October, and I was weed-eating thirteen days ago."

TMI!

The Vikings finish their preseason play tonight, and Favre is not expected to play.

Twitter rules off the court.

The NBA will soon be placing strict guidelines on the use of the somehow overly popular social [unnecessary] information site, Twitter, for its players.

“Obviously, there is a happy medium between tweeting before the game and tweeting from our bench during the game,” Stern said. “You want to make sure that pop culture doesn’t intrude on what brought us here, which is the game, and that we show the right respect for the game.”

The announcement comes after the NFL placed similar guidelines for Twitter use on its players on Monday.

“We just need to make sure when it’s OK to Tweet and when it’s not OK to Tweet so it at least focuses around the game,” said Stern.

Tweet, tweet. When appropriate!

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Sanchez brings home NY Braggin' Rights.

It's official - the New York Jets have a starting quarterback. And apparently he plays in the NFL much better than some of us had previously thought. Mark Sanchez went 13 for 20, threw for 149 yards, and put 20 points on the board in just over 2 1/2 quarters tonight. The kid looks good, and earned the Jets, and new coach Rex Ryan, their first win of the year, beating the New York Giants 27-25.

I must say, if my baseball team can't take me through the fall, it looks like my football team just might.

Cheers to that!

Vick making NFL season debut this Thursday.

I love that photo...just sayin'.

Former dog slayer/returning quarterback Michael Vick is slated to make his season debut starting with the Philadelphia Eagles this Thursday against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Vick is in for up to three quarters, and will definitely not play in the fourth. Of course, this all depends on how he can hang with 11 huge dudes charging him. Remember, Vick hasn't played an actual game in two years.

Eagles coach, Andy Reid, says Vick looks sharp in his drills, but he will be quick to yank him off the field if he can't hold up against the opposition. Donovan McNabb will likely be waiting on the sidelines to go in and help the team through the third quarter if need be.

Regardless, Michael Vick's return to the NFL playing field will be something to watch. Will you be tuning in? We will!