Former Miami Heat player...takes some real heat.

Let me premise this by saying that I have the utmost respect for our men and women in the armed services. However, there is some degree of confusion here for me. Could it have been early consumption of lead paint? Maybe early onset dementia? Just plain old stupidity? Because I certainly do not understand how one goes from being a first round NBA draft pick, to a U.S. Army Task Force officer.

Let's start with saying that Tim James traded in a 7-figure paycheck to make around $2,600 a month, 5 star hotels to live in 130+ temperatures, and manages to be as far as humanly possible from his family. If he were my husband, I'd be on a plane to Iraq with a frying pan in hand to smack that guy in the head a few times.

Granted, his NBA career was really just a shooting star in the midst of the giant solar system of big time ball, but I thought most of us had a similar goal in life: work less, make more. Maybe that is just mine?

I can't see how this could end well, taking into consideration that there are no other known former NBA players to ever enlist in any armed services. There was an Arizona Cardinals safety that did years ago, and he was killed by 'friendly fire' in Afghanistan in 2004. Friendly fire, huh? I think David Cross has a killer skit on that. Talk about an oxymoron. Moron.

The pueblo chieftain.

The Kansas City Chiefs are in a little bit of a pickle. Trying to come back from a 2 win season last year, they acquired the would-be benched ex-Patriot, Matt Cassel. Unfortunately for the Chiefs, Cassel lasted only three plays in Saturday night's game, hobbling off the field with a leg injury. The Chiefs also lost cornerback Brandon Flowers (hey, isn't that the singer of The Killers??), and receiver Devard Darling on shoulder and leg injuries, respectively.

This could be super ugly for the Chiefs, as they just signed Cassel into a six-year $63 million contract. Without having a win in over nine months, and no word on their starting quarterback, the team is going to hell in a handbasket this Thursday against St. Louis.

Good luck...you'll need it.

Sorry ladies...and gay men.

Rumor on the street is that New York Yanker Derek Jeter is secretly engaged to his actress girlfriend, Minka Kelly. Rumor also has that the wedding is set for late fall - post baseball season. Granted, I don't really care, I figured that some of you might.

The tissue is on the counter, girls.

Sanchez brings home NY Braggin' Rights.

It's official - the New York Jets have a starting quarterback. And apparently he plays in the NFL much better than some of us had previously thought. Mark Sanchez went 13 for 20, threw for 149 yards, and put 20 points on the board in just over 2 1/2 quarters tonight. The kid looks good, and earned the Jets, and new coach Rex Ryan, their first win of the year, beating the New York Giants 27-25.

I must say, if my baseball team can't take me through the fall, it looks like my football team just might.

Cheers to that!

Cable under fire.

The Napa police department plans to interview Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable for allegedly assaulting assistant coaching staff member Randy Hanson during a meeting. The confrontation left Hanson hospitalized with broken bones in the face. Look at the pictures above. Does that look like a fair fight?

Not really.

Damn Yankees.

My dad always told me that he has two favorite teams - The Boston Red Sox, and anyone who beats the Yankees. He's from Boston, so, naturally, you get it. I'm not from Boston, I'm not really into the American League and their designated hitter nonsense (pussies), so I'm not a Red Sox fan.

But I still hate the Yankees.

Will someone beat them already? They're now 6 games up on the Red Sox, and they're spanking ass. Is this because they have a $347 million infield? Is this because they're all on some super form of juice that can't be detected as one of the thousands of banned substances in the MLB?

I know it's not because they said farewell to Joe Torre.

Someone tell me what it is that makes the most overpaid, sickening sense of self entitled guys in stripes that makes this work. I smell foul play. Seriously. Or I'm bitter this evening. Either way, I'm over it. Come on AL. Work it!

They're baaaaaack!

The Los Angeles Dodgers were lookin super sexy (just the way I like them) at Coors Field this evening as they powered their way back into wider lead on the Rockies for their division title. With consecutive home runs by Andre Ethier (3-4, 3 RBI) and another by James Loney (2-4, 3 RBI), the Dodgers took a 6-1 lead on the Colorado Rockies, and managed to hold them there for the remaining five innings.

This puts the boys in blue 3 games ahead of the Rockies, and I'm going to sleep better tonight knowing that.

Keep it up!

Vick making NFL season debut this Thursday.

I love that photo...just sayin'.

Former dog slayer/returning quarterback Michael Vick is slated to make his season debut starting with the Philadelphia Eagles this Thursday against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Vick is in for up to three quarters, and will definitely not play in the fourth. Of course, this all depends on how he can hang with 11 huge dudes charging him. Remember, Vick hasn't played an actual game in two years.

Eagles coach, Andy Reid, says Vick looks sharp in his drills, but he will be quick to yank him off the field if he can't hold up against the opposition. Donovan McNabb will likely be waiting on the sidelines to go in and help the team through the third quarter if need be.

Regardless, Michael Vick's return to the NFL playing field will be something to watch. Will you be tuning in? We will!

Whiny Willy to Fenway!

The New York Mets have traded the bitching, closing pitching Billy Wagner to the Boston Red Sox to play as a set up man for the returning ace, Jonathan Papelbon, after making some very snide, on camera remarks about the world series winning pitcher. I tried to get the video, but it is apparently copyrighted by ESPN's Sportscenter, and they have better lawyers than I do, so I'm not even going there.

Papelbon explained to some that the comments were a misunderstanding, and word on the street is that Wagner has since apologized for his choice words that were something to the effect of, "tell him to have 'tommy johns' surgery at 38 and come back." Ouch.

I smell drama, and I love it!

Dodgers blowing their lead.

The Los Angeles Dodgers took one in the rear in the 10th inning when Colorado Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki, who went 2-5 with 2 RBIs, lined one into center field with one out and the bases loaded.

Another blown save by the crumbling Dodgers after starting strong from the get go. Matt Kemp scored on a single by Andre Either (3-4, 1 RBI) at the front of the first inning, and my hopes were up. Casey Blake homered out to deep left center field, and we were rockin'. But our dear, sweet child of a pitcher, Clayton Kershaw allowed two runs on 4 hits before being yanked from the mound after 6 1/3 innings.

The Dodgers relief pitching and game changing errors have narrowed their lead in the NL West to just two games. I'm getting tired of being let down by my team late in the game, although Los Angeles manager Joe Torre remains hopeful that the boys in blue will hold on to their #1 slot. I recall us kicking some major ass with a killer offensive lineup sans Manny Ramirez a few weeks ago. Hint, hint.

Get it together, boys. And tell Frank I said to pony up a little more in the budget for some real pitching.

2 years for shooting self?!

Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress agreed to serve a two year prison sentence for shooting himself in the leg in a Manhattan nightclub. Possibly the night photographed above (photo courtesy of drunkathlete.com ...thanks!). Bookmark that ish. Seriously!

Anyway, Burress was facing up to 3 1/2 years after pleading guilty to criminal possession of a weapon, so I guess he got off relatively easy. He'll probably spend a year behind bars before escaping...I mean being released.... to try and reincarnate some form of career.

Hang tight, bro! Keep those cheeks tight!

Tweet tweet tweet...all the way...to jail.

If you follow New York Knicks guard Nate Robinson on Twitter, you got some funny tweets right before his ass was hauled to jail for driving with a suspended license. Robinson was pulled over for dark tint on the windows. 35 minutes later, cops took him to the 52nd precinct and charged him with aggravated unlicensed operation of a vehicle. Whatever that means!

According to the New York Post, the tweets read something like:

"Cops pulled me over cuz my windows were 2 dark (but my windows were down) lol how funny is that"

"Iam still pulled over and its been 35 min they have me sit in my truck like I dnt have s#*+2 do lol."

LOL, he types like a 14-year old!

Follow me on Twitter!

Dodgers add to the pen.

Los Angeles Dodgers manager Joe Torre announced today that they have signed former Texas Rangers right handed pitcher Vicente Padilla. The totally ballsy move was made after Hiroki Kuroda was put on the DL for getting a line drive to the head last Saturday, and the Dodgers needed a starter to fill his little shoes.

Padilla is scheduled to make his debut in blue against Colorado on August 27th. I'll be watching.

Kane indicted for assault.

First of all, if you google image search 'Patrick Kane mugshot,' a picture of Lindsay Lohan looking mighty cracked out in jail comes up. Awesome!

Chicago Blackhawks ice skating superstar was indicted today for assault and theft after beating up a 62 year old cab driver for 20 cents in change. Even more awesome!

Let justice be served, and hope that Kane learns to take his aggression out on the ice, not old men.

Cardinals scoop up on discounted pitcher.

The St. Louis Cardinals signed a deal today with the very bald, very 42 year old former Cy Young pitcher John Smoltz after he was released from the Boston Red Sox. Luckily for the Cardinals, Boston is still responsible for a majority of his contract, giving the birds the pitcher for a mere $100k!

Sweet jeezus, that's what I call clearance sale! Don't forget that there must be a reason it's on clearance.

Forever Favre

Smirk smirk, I smell more dollar signs. The Minnesota Vikings have gained enough of some sort of credibility by signing old timer Brett Favre to come and wear their colors to sell 3200 season tickets since inking his contract.

Vikings fans, beware. I've already been duped by this deal. I wouldn't exactly say you're better off, but don't expect any progress.

To be, or not to be...a woman?

Caster Semenya has gone from some person who runs to a top favorite after taking the gold medal in the 800 meter at the world championships. However, speculation on Caster's gender has triggered some intense investigation as to whether or not she is a she!

I thought that was a pretty simple thing to decide when a child is born, aside from the 0.5 percent of children born with that particular 'difference.' Apparently I was wrong because the results of Semenya's gender test are going to take weeks to decipher, pending reports from a medical physical evaluation, tests from gynecologists, endocrinologists, psychologists, and internal medicine specialists.

Really? That's crazy.

Wolfin' down the competition.

Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Randy Wolf stole the show yesterday against the Arizona D-bags to avoid a sweep at Chase Field. Just a triple shy of hitting for the cycle, Wolf struck out ten, and retired 20 batters straight. This comes after 13 no decision games of his 26 starts. Maybe he's finally heating up. Our bullpen could use some dirty.

Andre Ethier also smacked a multi run homer to help the Dodgers defeat Arizona 9-3.

Go Blue!

Again, drugs are BANNED, kids.

New Orleans Saints small fry/kicker Garrett Hartley has been suspended for the first four games of the regular season due to testing positive for Adderall. Hartley claims he got the pills from a former college friend to take on an overnight drive from Dallas to New Orleans to work out. We call bluff! We know what college students use that stuff for.

The 23-year old said he was not aware that the prescription drug was on the list of banned substances, and called the mishap a "bump in the road." Pun intended?

Sniff, sniff. Drugs are bad, my friend.

You get paid a lot to work about 4 minutes a week. You should make sure you know the rules your company enforces.

Rookie vs. Ravens

Former USC Trojan quarterback is moving on up, and is being thrown up against some major competition. Now throwing for the New York Jets, Mark Sanchez will face Ray Lewis and the rest of the Baltimore Ravens in a preseason game of Monday Night Football on August 24th.

Having been a Cal student, and having an aversion to schools that I could never afford to go to, I've never been a Trojans fan. I know what the kid can do, but now he's playing for my pro team. This is no joke.

While his future for the full season is still up in the air with Kellen Clemens still in the running for that favored QB spot, Sanchez really showed some stuff in his first start against the St. Louis rams on Friday, and his efforts did not go unnoticed. Sanchez remains calm and cool about the decision for him to start over Clemens, and is said to be excited.

I'm undoubtedly glad to have some fresh blood in my favored NFL squad. Although his career started with one of my least favorite college teams, I'm going to accept Sanchez with open arms in hopes that the Jets can actually do something relatively exciting this year. I won't be rocking a #6 jersey, but I'll certainly be cheering him on.

J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets!

Another man down!

New York Mets 'hot stove' David Wright also suffered a concussion when gunned in the head by a 94-mph fastball from San Francisco Giants Matt Cain. Wright's CT scans came up negative, but he remained in the hospital overnight.

The Giants went on to beat the Mets 5-4 in ten innings. San Francisco needs to get a grip. Eat some granola or something.

Man down!

Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Hiroki Kuroda was dinged in the head and knocked to the ground tonight by a line drive from Arizona Diamondbacks Rusty Ryal. Awkward elevator music played for what seemed like decades as the emergency cart came out and twenty people worked to get the pitcher off the field.

Kuroda signaled to onlookers as he was being hauled away at 3 mph by lifting his hand in the air.

CT scans have shown no signs of fracture or internal bleeding, which is a great sign. Kuroda never lost consciousness, and has been diagnosed with only a concussion. He will remain in St. Joseph's hospital overnight for observation.

I say he's out for the season, but we'll see.

The Dodgers (and by Dodgers, I mean Jonathan Broxton) went on to blow the game for Kuroda in the tenth inning. I'm having nightmares of last year's NLCS all over again. Get it together, boys.

More Pitino, please.

I have to really take a moment to defend Rick. So, the man made a drunken mistake in a closed restaurant after hours. The bitch obviously went bat-shit crazy on the poor guy, and dragged her husband into it. Rick did the right thing by opening up and taking responsibility for the incident. Am I condoning what he did? No, but give the man a break.

To have journalists drag his name through the mud for not landing another coaching spot in the NBA because of a 'fall from grace' with the Louisville Cardinals is just plain ignorant. He made a mistake. We all make mistakes.

Think of what an accomplished college basketball coach he is. Yeah, he didn't really shine in his previous run with the NBA, but I would never say he fell from grace in the NCAA.

And his infidelity to his wife has absolutely nothing to do with him not scoring a job with the Sacramento Kings. Get a grip.

Kane is a cheap skate. Pun intended.

This just cracks me up. First off, does that kid look like he could hurt anyone? Second, you would think that 20 cents wouldn't matter to someone playing in the NHL.

Apparently, I am wrong on all fronts.

Chicago Blackhawks player Patrick Kane is being tried before a New York grand jury for allegedly beating the crap out of a 62 year old taxi driver for not having proper change for him and his buddy in Buffalo this week. Kane pleaded not guilty to charges of robbery and some other charges.

Can we say a-hole? I know hockey players are supposed to be agressive, but this is a bit much.

NCAAF...dominating my headlines?

Now, I'm a woman. I like sports. You could even say that I love them.

But does anyone watch female sports? Let alone college female sports?

The only female sport I can own up to watching is curling during the winter olympics. Occasionally a game of womens hockey if I happen to be at my dad's house and it's on. He likes to make fun of the scandinavian last names. Total jerk, right?

I had to get it from somewhere.

Vick is high like an eagle.

Convicted dog killer/NFL quarterback Michael Vick has reportedly just signed a deal with the Philadelphia Eagles for the 2009 season. Vick's agent, Joe Segal, gave word that both sides had come to an agreement, and Vick will be hitting the showers shortly.

Just keep him away from the mascots.

Vick is slated to head up against Tom Brady's new bionic leg and the New England Patriots in the first exhibition game of the season. That one should be interesting. Robot versus Animal Killer.

I like baseball better.

Another reason that Shane Victorino is a pansy.

Philadelphia Phillies Shane Victorino center fielder can't take the heat. Or the pint. Victorino file a police report after having some beer dumped on him in a successful attempt at catching a long fly ball at Wrigley Field this week.

Of course, the Chicago Cubs chairman, manager and general manager all ran quickly to apologize for the incident (like they had any control over it).

"It's part of the game. It's one of those things that happens and I just want to make sure that guy gets what's due," Shane says of the incident.

If it's part of the game, why did you file a police report? Huh, huh?

Dick. I thought it was funny.

Check out the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4eDJs1nrNw

UPDATE: The alleged beer thrower is facing two charges: battery and illegal conduct within a sports facility.

Soccer hooligans, be warned. Wrigley Field is not a safe place.

Suspended...for a long ass time!

Cleveland Browns receiver Donte' Stallworth was slapped with a full season suspension today on top of the 24 days he'll spend getting bent over in jail for killing a crane operator in Miami while drunk driving this past March. That's going to cost him...a lot.

Drinking and driving is stupid. Don't do it.

I've really got nothing else to say about that.

Youk out five games

The Boston Red Sox corner baseman Kevin Youkilis was suspended for five games starting Wednesday for charging the mound and tackling Detroit pitcher Rick Porcello for allegedly hitting him the face with a ball.

Benches cleared to break up the fight before Popeye managed to throw any punches. Both players were ejected from the game and put on suspension.

Baseball is getting rowdy! Loves it!

UPDATE: check out the video below! the quality blows, and youtube will probably take it down soon, so get on it!

Oh, Rick...

I didn't really want to get down with this story because it bums me out to see my beloved Louisville Cardinals head coach caught in some crazy scandal with some crazy woman, but I feel the need to share the news that even had Howard Stern talking this morning.

To make a long story short, Rick knocked up some lady in a restaurant, she got $3,000 out of him for an abortion, later married his equipment coach, they proceeded to try and extort upwards of $10 million out of the Pitinos, and has now been indicted for all sorts of crap.

Now, I give it up to Rick for coming clean, but that should have never happened in the first place. Cheating sucks, man! A cheater never wins.

T.O. Show...blows

PLEASE, please, please tell me that someone has watched this show. Honestly, I have not. Why would I? Well, I think I've seen enough considering he's flashing his bare naked bod as the publicity image for the reality monster. That, and I've seen the previews.

Cheese? Scripted much? And who are the two chicks who seem to run his life and tempt him to be naughty by leaving half naked aspiring models on his couch? I am so confused! Someone fill me in. Seriously.

The Giant Panda...turned pansy?

(image courtesy of the Associated Press 8/12/09)

Todays game between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the San Francisco Giants couldn't have been more reminiscent of a 1980s daytime soap opera. Managers were getting tossed, the benches cleared, players' tempers flared galore, and teams ran out of position players.

The spotlight should have been on the young lord of the bullpen, Tim Linsecum. At the start of today's game, the freak owns up to a 2.20 ERA and 198 strikeouts. I'm sure he looks even better [on paper] now.

Let's go two innings of a 0-0 standoff when Giants manager Bruce Bochy starts talking mad verb regarding an unsuccessful pickoff of The Great [and sometimes overrated] Manny Ramirez to get himself ejected from the game by the first base umpire.

Three innings later, Pablo Sandoval gets knicked by a pitch from Dodgers relieving pitcher James McDonald, and starts antagonizing and pointing fingers at the young pitcher. Words exchange between Sandoval and Dodgers catcher Russell Martin, and next thing you know, the benches are clearing. Unfortunately, no blood was shed, and everyone returned to their seats and bases.

Sandoval later walked his bitchy ass to first base to "calm down." Those were his words. No lie.

Play ball. Now Giants bench coach/acting manager Ron Wotus is ejected for talking some unnecessary guff.

The Giants busted our balls enough to score 2 runs in the 5th, forcing us to bust out all the stops, and every pitcher in our bullpen. As Linsecum continued to bend our bullpen over, we started puppeteering our players all over the field, having relieving catcher Sexy Brad Ausmus at home, moving Martin to 3rd base. There were other moves, but that one was most notable as Torre quickly realized there was no one else to play with.

We managed to score a run off the freak boy in the sixth, and another in the 9th, in an attempt to save our asses. It was only then that Linsecum was denied his 5th complete game, and pulled from the mound.

I really thought we had it there as we went into extra innings, but I was sorely mistaken.

The Dodgers went down 4-2 in the 10th by a 2 run walk off homer by Juan Uribe.

As disappointing as the loss is, that was one of the best displays of great baseball rivalry that I have ever seen.

Kudos, gentlemen!

ANDDDD...we're back!

I apologize for the long lull in keeping you in stitches. I was put on administrative leave. Or something like that.

More importantly, we're back on, and better than ever.

MLB playoffs are less than fifty games away, and our Dodgers are looking mighty fine in the NL West!

We couldn't be more thrilled to participate in such a season!

So, without further adieu, on with the show....