Athletes are getting funny again!

The world is once again turning, and the stars are all misaligned. At least that's what I feel like when I start receiving awesome news about athletes doing dumb shit.

Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Vicente Padilla was reportedly treated for a minor gunshot wound in Nicaragua. It was earlier believed that Padilla shot himself, but Padilla's reps confirmed that it was actually his shooting instructor who shot him. I'm willing to bet that lesson was free.

Reports say that Ned Colletti is checking out the extent of Padilla's injury before deciding whether or not the Dodgers will bring him back this season. I mean, jeez, the bullpen is already so crowded....oh, wait.

Linsecum has a huge reason to party hard this weekend.

Just minutes before two time Cy Young award winner Tim Linsecum's arbitration hearing, the San Francisco Giants camp changed their tune a bit and the parties came clean with a $23 million, two year deal. Timmy gets $8 million this year, $13 million in the 2011 season, and $2 million in bonuses paid out in between.

Known to make records, Linsecum's deal is the largest ever signed by a player eligible for arbitration for the first time.

With that settled, Linsecum is said to be back at camp, focusing on his A-game. Hopefully he's not smoking any of that money up just yet. If you know what I mean.

Bills RT retiring at 26?!

Buffalo Bills RT Brad Butler shocked his team, and lots of other people, by announcing his retirement after 4 years in the NFL at the ripe old age of 26. Yes, that is correct. 26 years old.

Those paychecks must have been nice.

Butler says he is turning his focus toward "education, country and community." That means politics and public service. No comment.

Tiger's conference in a nutshell.

The room was quiet with very little fidgeting, and much anxiety, as we all waited for Tiger Woods to appear. He walked out to a silent audience and delivered his pre written and rehearsed speech from the podium. No waterworks came out, and he showed very little emotion as he addressed more questions than it was presumed that he would.

He first said that he and Elin have "started the process of assessing the damage" to their relationship. He admitted to checking in to "inpatient therapy" over the past 45 days he has been absent. He also cleared up the rumors that Elin beat the crap out of him when he wrecked his Escalade on Thanksgiving night.

He gave no further details of his strange crash, how many women were truthful in their coming out about him, or if him and his wife were actually still together. These details are said to be private, between husband and wife.

He was very apologetic, and repeatedly claimed his activities were selfish and foolish, and that he had convinced himself that "normal rules didn't apply" to him. Um, hi, you're Tiger Woods. Of course they don't. I don't care what people say.

He also apologized to Accenture, the sponsor who dropped him first, and the one he notably stole press from at their big Arizona PGA tour event today. Another jab?

Next year, no one but his wife is going to remember this anyway. Someone else in sports will have done something equally stupid by then.

Asking for his friends, peers, and family to one day believe in him again, Woods closed his speech and went to give a long hug to his Mother. Elin was noticeably absent from the conference.

What some of us really wanted to know is how much she is getting paid to stick around while Tiger repairs his good boy image. Maybe he'll answer that one at a later date. Speculations commence.

Danica lost in the action.

I've got to be honest when I say that I didn't watch a single lap of Danica Patrick's debut NASCAR race at Daytona last weekend. I was having a lot more fun in San Francisco. But at brunch the next morning, I was lucky enough to catch a video of the 12 car pileup she managed to mangle herself in partway through the race.

Patrick managed to stay out of the top 20 cars throughout most of the race and avoided an earlier 7 car wreck before she dropped out of the top 30.

She did remain lucky. None of the big boys plowed her into the walls, and the wreck she was involved in wasn't her fault. Her teammates stated to just be glad that she got a few laps in before she wrecked. Experience.

Team owner Dale Earnhardt Jr. totaled his car after going airborne later in the race. The estimated damages to replace his car and repair Patrick's are over $200,000. I'd rather have a Maserati.

Hi, my name is Tiger, and I'm a sex addict.

Tiger Woods is scheduled to break his three month long silence tomorrow at the PGA Tour's home in Ponte Vedre Beach, Florida. Although we have many questions, Woods will apparently not be answering any of them as this is "not a press conference."

Only a handful of colleagues and close friends have been invited to attend, along with one camera, and a few news outlets.

AP Golf reporter Doug Ferguson suggests the curious timing of Tiger's coming out, as it coincides with one of his former sponsor's main events. How calculated.

That is LOVE.

Minnesota Vikings fans have taken it upon themselves to woo their new favorite quarterback to come throw for another year by purchasing billboard space near Brett Favre's home in Mississippi! I have never seen anything like this in my life, and I know that as a Jets fan, we weren't going to pull any crap like that.

Vikings fans collected over $2,600 in order to keep the billboard up for the month. Bravo!

However, Favre did play a much better hand for the Vikings than he did for us.

I don't know why they spell things with R's in places they don't belong either. Inside joke that I missed? Someone explain that one to me.

I wonder if he will respond. What do you think?

NASCAR is about to get a little bit sexier.

I read a Woody Allen quote that said, "seventy percent of success is just showing up."

Not to take away from the success that Danica Patrick has seen over the years, but the fact that she has a pretty face, a pair of boobs, and that she just showed up in what seems to be the most male infested sport known in this country really takes at least seventy percent of the cake. I'm not trying to cut her down. She seems like she has a good time with herself. She's a hot chick that drives fast cars. That's downright ballsy. I drive like a grandma.

Patrick is shifting her gears a little higher this year, and taking a break from steamy internet commercials and swimsuit modeling, to make her NASCAR debut at the Daytona Speedway this weekend. Of course there are some critics (mainly the guy who she beat out for her seat in the race), but her sponsors and teammates are extremely thrilled and confident that she is ready for the drive.

I know little about NASCAR, but I will make sure to ask dad how she did. Watching cars race for any longer than a minute at a time doesn't seem too exciting to me. Regardless, NASCAR must be stoked on the buzz this is creating. And not just because she's a woman who just showed up. The other thirty percent of her success comes from being pretty badass behind a wheel.

And...the commercials!!

I found most of the advertisements this year to be pretty mediocre. I mean, they were funny. They just weren't Super Bowl status. Except for this Bud Light commercial (sorry to my Miller team!). This had me in a fit of tears. There's a really great inside joke amongst my friends in regards to white people and autotune, so this just really takes the cake for me.

A surprising Super Bowl finish.

I've spent most of the day thinking about my obligatory post-Super Bowl update, and I'm still drawing a blank. Sure, I was rooting for the Saints. I think most of us were rooting for the underdog while secretly thinking we were going to watch Peyton Manning unleash pure annihilation on Drew Brees and his crew.

As the Saints were unable to convert a mere yard (two at most) into a touchdown twice in a row, I relinquished all hope for their win. Yeah, the scores weren't far off from one another, but the game seemed to be falling apart for New Orleans. The Indianapolis Colts are 11-1 when leading in the first half. Those are pretty outstanding numbers.

I watched The Who perform their old man half time show of songs most of us kind of know, but don't own any of the records to, while some guy next to me at the bar tried to justify their appearance at the big game. First of all, he compared them to the Rolling Stones. Um...no? Second, the Super Bowl is probably the most American thing ever. Why did the NFL get a British band to play? Daughtry would have been more appropriate. Third, they're old, and I thought it sucked. I think I'd rather watch Katy Perry lip synching while dressed as a banana. Seriously.

Major props to the Miller Lite crew who came in and gave us some cool football swag and free beers at the bar. Their personal thanks for being a Miller Lite drinker. Well, I would like to thank Nick's on Russian Hill in SF for having us, and also having $2 Miller Lites. The food is good, but you have to watch out for the bartenders who look a little worse for wear. You should really get some sleep before you go sling drinks all night. I know this from experience. And you look like shit. I don't want some hungover chick with greasy hair and bad makeup touching anything that comes near my mouth.

Okay, half time is over. Back to the game. Manning's hardware gliches, and New Orleans cornerback Tracy Porter takes the ball on a 74 yard field trip that changes everything. Suddenly the Saints are ahead, and the Colts just can't get it back together. Another turnover, and I sat there in total awe of what was happening. Manning looked to be scrambling with about three minutes left in the game. The reality was sinking in.

My friend's dad said it best. "I think Manning just shit his pants."

A great game, and proof that your whole life can change in the blink of an eye. Congratulations, New Orleans. That trophy was certainly well deserved this year.

Beer for breakfast?

For those of you who had ten too many beers yesterday while watching the super bowl, and happen to be nursing a hangover, don't feel so bad. Researchers at UC Davis released some information from their study on the benefits beer has in bone health. Out of 100 commercial beers, the study finds that a liter of beer contains about 30 grams of dietary silicon, a key player in bone health.

Although most physicians will still tell you that more than two drinks a day is just no bueno, I feel like this is another reason to add to the list of why beer is so great.

I can dig it.

Weaver is back in the southland.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have brought pitcher Jeff Weaver back on a minor league contract for a whopping $800,000 for the year. How much did Manny make last year?

Just sayin'.

Maybe we'll get to see the Weaver family wear their fucked up half and half jerseys during the Freeway Series again this year.

Sweet.

Talk about a big OOPS!

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan was apparently caught on someone's cell phone camera flipping off an MMA contender at a match in Florida last weekend. The photos hit the internet in no time, but I have yet to see one. I'm sure legal teams are involved. The Jets have already fined Ryan $50,000 for his "obscene gesture," and the NFL has decided that they will not impose any further fines for his behavior.

I wonder what caused the bird to fly because I don't throw those things around for no reason. Some Dolphins fans in the house?

All of these rules of conduct really make me wonder. No guns, no Twitter, no flipping people off. What will these men do if they can't get drunk and shoot themselves?

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So much for a sunny Super Bowl Sunday

It looks like the NFL has failed an attempt at giving the Indianapolis Colts a dry day to try and defeat the New Orleans Saints for the championship title this weekend. Southern Florida hasn't seen much sunshine in the past few days, and it doesn't look like the weather is going to let up any by the weekend.

It could just be the Indiana curse. Okay, I made that up, but have you ever been to Indiana?

Anyway, Miami isn't much of a picnic either, but I'm sure anything is an upgrade.

So, while NFL media officials scramble to have their backup plans stationed and ready to roll out, I'm just wondering how terrible the infamous Super Bowl commercials are going to be this year. With some usual big spenders cutting advertising budgets of at least 25%, and others completely off the market, that leaves a lot to imagination. With the way our national intellect seems to be dropping, I'm not expecting anything spectacular to be going down between plays this year.

If you tuned into the Grammys last night, you might understand what I mean.

I'm sure you're watching anyway though, right? I am...and I'm also secretly wishing they would have Taylor Swift playing half time instead of The Who. Just kidding...kind of.