Papelbon & Ellsbury keep their red socks.

Apparently it only takes $12M to keep one of the most colorful pitchers in baseball on your roster. The Boston Red Sox signed a one year deal with pitcher Jonathan Papelbon, who is somewhat famous for letting his dog eat the ball that brought home the 2007 World Series win for the Sox. He can now be famous for receiving the highest paying one year contract for an arbitration eligible pitcher, and the fourth highest overall. While Papelbon had his crappiest season yet at Fenway, word has it that he has been throwing balls around in dog parks, and is looking to bring a stronger arm to the 2011 season.

Center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury also signed a one year deal, but he goes for a lot less at a mere $2.4M. That and he hasn't done anything stupid enough for me to make a joke about yet.

Athletes are getting funny again!

The world is once again turning, and the stars are all misaligned. At least that's what I feel like when I start receiving awesome news about athletes doing dumb shit.

Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Vicente Padilla was reportedly treated for a minor gunshot wound in Nicaragua. It was earlier believed that Padilla shot himself, but Padilla's reps confirmed that it was actually his shooting instructor who shot him. I'm willing to bet that lesson was free.

Reports say that Ned Colletti is checking out the extent of Padilla's injury before deciding whether or not the Dodgers will bring him back this season. I mean, jeez, the bullpen is already so crowded....oh, wait.

Linsecum has a huge reason to party hard this weekend.

Just minutes before two time Cy Young award winner Tim Linsecum's arbitration hearing, the San Francisco Giants camp changed their tune a bit and the parties came clean with a $23 million, two year deal. Timmy gets $8 million this year, $13 million in the 2011 season, and $2 million in bonuses paid out in between.

Known to make records, Linsecum's deal is the largest ever signed by a player eligible for arbitration for the first time.

With that settled, Linsecum is said to be back at camp, focusing on his A-game. Hopefully he's not smoking any of that money up just yet. If you know what I mean.

Weaver is back in the southland.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have brought pitcher Jeff Weaver back on a minor league contract for a whopping $800,000 for the year. How much did Manny make last year?

Just sayin'.

Maybe we'll get to see the Weaver family wear their fucked up half and half jerseys during the Freeway Series again this year.

Sweet.

Bye bye to the Big Unit

San Francisco Giant's (no pun intended) pitcher Randy Johnson announced his retirement yesterday, ending a 22 year long career in the MLB.

Again, aside from being on a bunch of teams I never liked and having a mullet that would leave you to believe he was lying when he said he was born in California, Johnson was a kick ass pitcher. Not only was he a five time Cy Young award winner, but he also closely trails the late and great Nolan Ryan with the second most strikeouts in the game. Pretty fancy, if I must say so myself.

From us to Randy - thanks for giving us a good laugh when you pelted that bird with a 95 mph fastball, and for that one time you were on The Simpsons.

I guess Randy leaves the mound to my personal fave of my biggest rival team, Tim Linsecum. Hot.